Writing Too Wordy

Wow, where did March go? I can't believe it has been over a month since I posted last. It was a crazy month. My birthday came and went, and I didn't meet my goal, and yet I still don't feel too bad about it. I continue to edit. I'm plugging away at it, but life gets in the way at times.

I did have something interesting happen. I sent my first chapter off to Ray Rhamey an author and editor. He does this thing on his blog called the "Flogometer". For those brave enough, he takes what he considers the first page of your novel (the first 16 lines) and critiques it. Ultimately he says whether he would turn the page or not, looking at how well it "hooks" the reader. He flogged me pretty well, and said he would not continue reading.

Sure there was a little disappointment, but honestly I am so grateful for him for taking the time to give me good solid feedback. Also several people posted comments giving feedback as well. The overall consensus was I was being a bit too wordy. Someone commented that I used too many "highfalutin" words. Looking back at it, I couldn't agree more. I have rewritten the first chapter, and in particular the first page or so, over and over again, and it shows. I really think later stuff, that is fresher is much less likely to be overwritten. You can see all their comments here.

So, even though I said I had rewritten the first chapter over and over, I did it again. Here is the revised first page. Please feel free to comment, and let me know if it still feels overwritten.

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Chapter 1 - Birth

Burning oil and cooked meats masked the acrid smell of death. With a swollen tongue, he tasted thick dust on cracked lips. Rough stone dug into his back. He opened his eyes, and then flung hands up to shield his gaze. Dust billowed around nearly skeletal fingers, which glowed red against the painful light. Where am I?

The reek of death grew stronger. He struggled to move. His legs were stiff; his shoulders jammed between stone. He was in a cramped box. Sweat poured from his brow. He kicked his legs and grappled toward the light.

He strained against the edges of the box and pulled himself up, toward the ruddy glow. Grey dots danced across his vision and he nearly fainted. His head spun. At last, the room steadied.

He sat in a granite box on a raised platform at the end of a long narrow chamber. Stone sarcophagi lined both sides of the room. A chill prickled his skin. I have awakened in a tomb.

His mind raced, as fresh sweat rolled down his grimy forehead into his eyes. Nightmarish visions of faces filled his mind—faces surrounding him—large pale eyes watching, always watching. A need to get free of the coffin overpowered him.

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Still Editing

I have been very quiet lately, and this time it is for a good reason. I have been working very hard on the edits for Crimson Swarm. I am now less than 1 month away from my birthday goal. I'm beginning to doubt whether I'll have it all edited by then, but that isn't stopping me. In fact I am working harder than ever. I just spent about 5 hours on chapter 5. And basically I am rewriting the entire thing.

I think I mentioned once before about reading an author's blog, on which they stated they rewrite their book from beginning to end during editing. I just couldn't imagine this would be a good idea. But for this chapter, it really seems to be working. I'm digging much deeper into what the characters are thinking, and why they are doing what they are doing. Also the pacing is much stronger than before. They are escaping from a prison. Before the rewrite everyone was sitting around chatting before they decide it is time to escape. Now they don't wait around for anything.

So I'm excited. I wish it wasn't 1 AM and I could work longer. But alas I must get up early to take the kids to school and do some real, paying work.

Poetry in Fantasy Literature

In the early chapters of Crimson Swarm I have a poem that digs deeply into the history and lore of my world. I am rather pleased with it. I think it flows well, and tells the story in a way that other types of narration may not, but I'm not sure I'm going to keep it. The problem is every critique I've received of a chapter that the poem is in (I've moved it a couple times) the critiquers say things like, "The poem kind of slowed things down." or "I only skimmed the poem."

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand. I used to do the same thing with Tolkien. In the Lord of the Rings, every time I came to a song, or poem, zing, I'd skip right over it. But then over the years I started to read them, and love them. I think you can really see Tolkien's passion about his world in the poetry.

My fear is if I have this big long poem (it is probably a page long) in the first three chapters of my manuscript, is an agent going to feel like it really slowed things down as well? Should I keep it, but maybe move it later? Cut it down in bite-sized chunks? Or ditch it altogether?

I'm not sure I have an answer for that yet. I'll add it to my list of things to ponder as I wade through editing.

Bloody (Brilliant) Critiques

I got a particularly bloody critique of chapter three from a member of my crit circle! How exciting is that!! When I printed it out, it was six pages long!!!

Bloody critique--exciting? How can this be?

Really it is. What it means is, someone whose writing I respect, took the time (considerable it seems) to really pick apart the chapter. She had fantastic advice on a number of issues. One in particular that made me slap myself on the forehead. I can't believe I missed something so obvious.

This highlights for me two things I have learned about writing (about anything in fact).

1. Be open to critiques - When someone takes the time to really give you their opinion, be open to it. We are busy people. So it means something when people care enough to (in a kind way) give you suggestions on improving your work.

2. Don't work in a vacuum. Seek out support. - Obviously this relates to the first, but I think it needs emphasising. It is so easy to be blind to your own writing and shortcomings. Don't wait for someone to point them out. It is much easier if you ask someone to point them out. Then it is your idea, not theirs.

So get out there. Take some risks. Ask someone's opinion. It may be bloody painful, but in the end it'll be well worth it.

THE END (Again)

I spent a good chunk of Yesterday locked in a study-carol at the local university (Kent State), writing with a friend of mine. He and I have set a goal of mid March to finish our respective projects. His being his doctoral dissertation, and mine a much less lofty, fantasy novel.

Let me first say this is a wonderful way to write for me. Having someone sitting across a desk from me, typing away on his laptop, really does something to my psyche. That tiny bit of accountability, keeps me focused. It also helps that my laptop has such a bad wireless card that even though they had WiFi in the library, I couldn't use it. So no Internet, or email all day. (Ok, I did check my email on my phone a couple times.)

Suffice it to say I got a lot of writing done, and I finished (again) my first draft. You'll remember that I finished once before, but a friend who had been reading along, was not very excited about it. So finally, after six months or so (Yikes!) I have the ending rewritten. I'm pretty excited how it ended up. We'll have to see what he thinks.

Now I can focus completely on editing/revising. I have Chapters 1 & 2 done, 3 is posted to my Crit Circle, and I'm currently working on 4. The book has 28 chapters so I still have a ways to go, but I think it is doable in the next 2 months.

Epic Living?

Yesterday, Sir Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb to the summit of Mt. Everest, died at the age of 88. I heard a couple vignettes about him on NPR. During one they played a recording of him in Washington some years later in which he said: "If you set out on an adventure, and you are absolutely convinced you're going to be successful, why bother starting."

I thought he was going to say something along the lines of if you are convinced you will succeed then you have a better chance of doing so, or something along those lines. But what he actually said was much more profound than that. Man can show greater depths of character when he starts something, against all odds, knowing that there is little chance of success, and in Hillary's case every possibility of death, and yet he still started. He still takes that first step. This is living beyond the Disney "If you dream it you can do it" mentality of the modern world.

There is a scene in the Peter Jackson's movie, The Return of the King, that brings tears to my eyes each time I see it. The book does the same, but the way Mr. Jackson captured it was wonderful. The armies of Rohan have ridden to the aid of Gondor. They crest a hill, and look down upon the plains before Minis Tirith and see the vast hordes of Mordor assaulting the city. Rohan's army looks minuscule beside the might of Sauron. At this point, the logical thing would be to turn back. Set up defences in their own country in what way they could. But they do not. They charge down, into the very arms of the enemy. You are certain that they will all die. They are certain they will die, but the do it anyway.

Or in more contemporary, historical terms look at the movie Saving Private Ryan. Again, an army out manned, out gunned storms the beach at Normandy. Every man in the first wave knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were going to die. But they did it anyway. They did it for a greater good. Something larger than themselves. Something, epic.

So how does that translate into today's world. Of course there are still men and women on the front lines. Still in harms way, but still doing their jobs for some grander purpose, but as a whole. As Americans at large, how can we live in "epic" fashion? Can it be a simple as doing something we fully expect to fail at? Getting outside our comfortable little lives and trying to do something that in all likelihood will end in disaster. I began writing my novel fully expecting to fail. I've never finished something of this magnitude before. Something that requires continual work over a period of years. In fact I still expect to fail, and I am nearly complete.

Now realize that I don't in anyway equate this with charging off a boat onto a sandy beach with bullets filling the air, but I do think that it might just touch on what it means to be larger than oneself. How can I love my wife when I don't feel like loving her? How can I love my kids when they are driving me crazy? How can I get up and do my job when I'd rather sleep? By making a conscious effort to do the things I don't want to do, or even more, I know I'll fail at, I think a little piece of the epic creeps into my life, and the lives of those around me. I know I will never love my wife perfectly. There will always be some selfish motivation when interacting with her. But still I try. Still I wake up every morning hoping today I'll love her a little more than yesterday. But unlike Hollywood romance, we are flawed creatures. I know I'll fail, but read again what Sir Edmund Hillary had to say: "If you set out on an adventure, and you are absolutely convinced you're going to be successful, why bother starting." Why bother starting anything that you know you will succeed at. What a waste of time. Push for something more. Push beyond your limits. Somewhere is something greater, something, epic.

Writing a Hook that Hooks

I told you in a previous post that I posted my Hook on the Bookends site for critique. Well today Jessica finally got to mine. This is the forth or fifth draft of the hook I have written, and I felt pretty good about it. See what she had to say:

92. D. Robert Pease
Fantasy Novel: Crimson Swarm

Aberthuil Nauile doesn’t know that he once led legions in a war that raged since the dawn of time, against an enemy that cannot be killed. He doesn’t know that he rode on a dragon with his father, and saw his mother die while giving birth to him. He doesn’t know that he once saved his great, great, great grandfather by defeating the black enemy on the slopes of a volcano. Aberthuil doesn’t know that he beheld the creation of the world, as his grandfather eight generations before took the planet ravaged by a war of the gods and began anew. All he knows is that he awoke in a coffin in a tomb, and now the whole world thinks he is their savior. All he really wants to know is his name, and why he keeps hearing voices in his head.

Wow! Am I getting soft or is this really two good pitches in a row? Of course now I’m concerned that my judgment is skewed. Maybe I am getting soft. But no, this is good. This grabs my interest. While normally I might say a pitch like this is backstory, it’s not when it’s world building. I clearly see who Aberthuil is and what his conflict is. While he's sure it might be the voices in his head, his true conflict is the story of the life he doesn’t remember. Very, very cool.

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First of all, notice that this is pitch # 92. This lady has been very, very busy. And unlike Miss Snark before her, I hope that she can keep her sanity, and I appreciate very much all the work she is putting into these. It makes me feel quite good that she liked the pitch, just the boost I needed right now to keep plugging along with the editing. She does make a great point that I focus primarily on backstory, but it seems I did it in such a way that it still gives insight into what the novel will be about.

Now before I get all warm and fuzzy about my writing, I want to show you how I came to write the pitch this way. Back in October, Kristin Nelson began a series on her blog about how to write a good pitch. Her first post on the subject dissected the jacket cover copy for Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone. If you read the cover copy, you will see that what I wrote is very similar. The tone feels the same. The overall pacing is the same. Obviously they are two different books. I didn't plagiarize the copy, I just used something that worked well somewhere else as a template for my pitch, and apparently it worked. Jessica has said that if she posted that she liked a pitch, she would love to see more. I'm not ready to send her more yet, but isn't that the goal of the pitch? To get an agent to want to see more? In that respect, I am very excited.